Life even in Death.

Last night I had this very, very vivid dream I wanted to share.


It was Thanksgiving day and the whole family was at grandma and grandpa's house as usual. All but granny, she had passed away in the dream just like reality.

I was holding Jonah when I looked up and saw this picture of Christ on the cross on her wall. I started looking around the room at each and every person there. I saw my grandma around all of them. Each person, for a spilt second, she was next to, hugging, reaching out to them.

I then looked down at my son, Jonah whom I was holding and I felt this presence of granny behind me. Holding me. Looking down at Jonah and I. I looked up and saw her face for just a second before it disappeared. I had an overwhelming feeling of grief. sadness.

I handed Jonah to my mother and walked back into grandma's bedroom. This had been where I grieved alone while spending the hours after her death at their house in reality. I walked to her bed and her rosary bead were placed on her side of the bed. The same beads that I carried with me when I was growing up. That she and I loved so much. And that I had personally placed in her coffin before they put her in the ground. I picked them up and sat down.

While staring at the beads and sobbing, missing her so much I felt a warm brush on my shoulder. It startled me and I looked up into my grandmother's eyes. Except it looked like she did in the black and white pictures I loved so much. The ones where she was 20 years old and beautiful as can be.

She looked at me with her head slightly tilted and said, "dear. Why are you crying? I'm so happy."
"granny. we miss you so much. i cant-", she stopped me.
"Ashley, I'm in heaven. I have life again in Christ. I have my friends with me. I play bingo and run. I'm free, I worship God, and it's beautiful there. Don't cry for me. We will be together again."

She was gone.

Find this silly. I know it was a message from her. From God. I never believed in any of this stuff until this day.

I love you granny.
Thank you.

To live is Christ. To die is gain.

This has by far been the hardest year of my life and the worst thing happened Thursday morning.

My grandmother, Shirley, passed away from a very sudden, unexpected heartattack.

Let me start by telling you just how hard this is on my family and I.

Most grandparents you see at holidays. My grandparents are much, much more than that.

My grandmother (we called her granny), was the sweetest soul I've ever known. She reached out and tried to help whoever she knew, didn't know, it didn't matter to her. She loved people. She gave everything she had to make anyone happy and didn't expect anything in return.

She would call and talk about your life. Never a complaint about hers. She would just listen when you needed to talk and give you the best, moral advice she had. I've never met a person on this earth with such high moral standards.

She made friends with people at the grocery store. Complete strangers. She had love just pouring out of her. You could see in it her. You could see the love of Christ in her and flowing out of her to touch others.

She would always make sure everyone had their food before she would even sit down to eat.

I told her I wanted a crock pot so I could make pot roast. Two days later there was a crock pot and everything to make a roast at my house ready for me when I got home from work.

She never left my sister's side when she was in the hospital with cancer. never.

I told her I loved purple when I was seven. once. Up until the day she died, she remembered that and everything she bought me was purple if she could help it.

She stayed up all night before holidays wrapping, cooking and making sure everything was perfect so that we could have a beautiful, wonderful time. and we always did.

She was such a dancer. She sang karoke at our family reunion last year to baby got back while actually dancing some pretty hip moves.

She took in all the in laws as her own children, grandchildren, and even her friends were family to her.

If there is any indication of how powerful her love was and what a deep impact she had in people's life, this is it.Adam lived with both sets of his grandparents for some time. One of them even babysat him most of his childhood. And in the 6 years he's known my granny he says she was more of a grandmother to him than his own.


This is what my grandma was.
love.
loyalty.
beauty.
selfless.
genuine.
caring.
woman of God.

I could go on forever. She wouldn't want me to. She would want me to remember her but try, try hard to move on. And this is what I'm going to try and do for you granny.

Jonah won't go a day in his life without hearing about you or feeling your love in my heart.



I will never forget you granny. 11/13/1935-11/12/2009
You lived a beautiful life.

June passes in June

sorry it's been so long...: (
started working again at northridge lanes and that's been keeping busy enough for now that my spare time is going to joner, adam, friends and housework. i have a lot of stuff to post so it might take a few different posts to catch up!
.
.
.
The Hubby's grandma June passed away on Tuesday this week. She was a very sweet lady. I wish we would have spent more time with her before she passed so that I could have known her better. I will say that I am glad that she did not suffer for a really long time. The last year she has been going but it's been up and down. I'm just glad that she passed away with a very loving family helping take care of her and a great place to live at forest glen. Rest in Peace June. Love you.

love you miss hannah

R.I.P Hannah Young


such a tragedy. and since this is the second tragedythat hit our small community in 6 weeks i started really questioning a lot. i read 90 minutes in heaven last night and it helped me a lot. i was having a really hard time coping with the death of another young person not for me but i was deeply mourning for her parents loss. 90 mins in heaven gave me so much hope in this dark time about what hannah is enjoying and what is to come for me. at the end of the book, don talks about this little old women who asks him if her deceased husband is happy and if he misses her. he tells her he surely is happy and he does not miss her. as bad as that may sound, our loved ones who are now with their creator do not miss us left on the earth. that would mean there is hurt and pain. in heaven God wipes all that away. Hannah is not grieving leaving us behind, she's rejoicing in the Lord. and as hard as this tragic loss of a beautiful life is, remember that before Hannah knows it she will be meeting each of you believers and close friends at the gates of heaven, no "time" would have passed by for her since there is no time in heaven. all she is doing is worshipping and praising the Lord and she feels more joy than we can ever even express on earth.

your plan is flawless Lord no matter how flawed it seems on earth.

You anoint my head with oil. my cup overflows

Since Peter's death everything has seemed different. I've had weird dreams, distanced myself a little from family and some friends, and just broke out crying at random times. Questions keep coming up and instead of getting better, I've gotten worse. For some reason I haven't been able to let go. I've dealt with many deaths in my lifetime and none have affected me the way this has. I have also never dealt with a suicide.
Peter and I were pretty close for a while but it's been some time. The last time I saw Peter we had a great time. It was about 5 months a go. He spent the day with Adam and I. He met Jonah for the first time and this was when I decided I had high hopes for him as a father. He rocked Jonah telling him silly stories, asked questions about him, the birth, our life. Peter was an amazing person. He lived a beautiful life and touched so many people's hearts. In twenty years he accomplished so much and made a difference in so many lives. I hope to be at least half of the person that he was.
Honestly, I have had thoughts of bitterness here and there. Why would he put all these people through so much pain? How come he couldn't just express his sufferings? Then I realized that Peter is even after all this in a better place than anyone living on this earth. I know that he is with his maker. I know that God can kiss away his tears and wipe away all the pain and he doesn't even know the meaning of pain anymore. We can't even fathom the joy that he is experiencing. We can't for a second picture how amazing, how beautiful his dwelling place is. He will never hurt again. This should put me at peace for good about this, but it hasn't.
I've prayed and prayed that God will take this from me. I don't want to forget Pete, I just want closure. Do I feel like I need more answers? Sometimes. But when I have discovered some truth, I have prayed to forget. I haven't. I can't stop thinking about what happened before he passed. The sorrow he felt. The discouragement. The fact that Satan was right there in that room with him, telling him to do it. I am angry sometimes. Then I'm sad. Regretful. Awestruck. Why was it his time? He was the last person on the planet I would have ever expected this from. Peter, why?
I know that God is in control and he will take this away in his time. Maybe I'm supposed to feel this for now. Maybe I'm supposed to do something with this. Whatever it is, I'm letting God lead the way.

Peter,
I'm so grateful I knew you. You touched so many people in your short, beautiful life. No one who has ever met you even for a minute will forget you. Thank you for your warm smile, your encouragement, the way you would never judge and stick up for anyone, your sense of humor. I will never forget some of the jokes you told me and the pictures you drew. Your music was wonderful. You had the most artistic, unique way of life and I looked up to you. Thank you for calling me ashley manatee and for always writing me stupid notes in spanish class. I know that adam and i wouldn't be who we are now if it weren't for you and your kind spirit. I will see you again Pete. I know it. And I will bring you a single beer on your 21st bday...promise. goodbye for now friend. i love you.



03.03.09 You will be missed