Peter and I were pretty close for a while but it's been some time. The last time I saw Peter we had a great time. It was about 5 months a go. He spent the day with Adam and I. He met Jonah for the first time and this was when I decided I had high hopes for him as a father. He rocked Jonah telling him silly stories, asked questions about him, the birth, our life. Peter was an amazing person. He lived a beautiful life and touched so many people's hearts. In twenty years he accomplished so much and made a difference in so many lives. I hope to be at least half of the person that he was.
Honestly, I have had thoughts of bitterness here and there. Why would he put all these people through so much pain? How come he couldn't just express his sufferings? Then I realized that Peter is even after all this in a better place than anyone living on this earth. I know that he is with his maker. I know that God can kiss away his tears and wipe away all the pain and he doesn't even know the meaning of pain anymore. We can't even fathom the joy that he is experiencing. We can't for a second picture how amazing, how beautiful his dwelling place is. He will never hurt again. This should put me at peace for good about this, but it hasn't.
I've prayed and prayed that God will take this from me. I don't want to forget Pete, I just want closure. Do I feel like I need more answers? Sometimes. But when I have discovered some truth, I have prayed to forget. I haven't. I can't stop thinking about what happened before he passed. The sorrow he felt. The discouragement. The fact that Satan was right there in that room with him, telling him to do it. I am angry sometimes. Then I'm sad. Regretful. Awestruck. Why was it his time? He was the last person on the planet I would have ever expected this from. Peter, why?
I know that God is in control and he will take this away in his time. Maybe I'm supposed to feel this for now. Maybe I'm supposed to do something with this. Whatever it is, I'm letting God lead the way.
Peter,
I'm so grateful I knew you. You touched so many people in your short, beautiful life. No one who has ever met you even for a minute will forget you. Thank you for your warm smile, your encouragement, the way you would never judge and stick up for anyone, your sense of humor. I will never forget some of the jokes you told me and the pictures you drew. Your music was wonderful. You had the most artistic, unique way of life and I looked up to you. Thank you for calling me ashley manatee and for always writing me stupid notes in spanish class. I know that adam and i wouldn't be who we are now if it weren't for you and your kind spirit. I will see you again Pete. I know it. And I will bring you a single beer on your 21st bday...promise. goodbye for now friend. i love you.
03.03.09 You will be missed
all that you are experiencing is normal. every death affects us differently, some are alot harder than others. especially with so many unanswered questions. let yourself feel whatever it is your feeling. don't fight the grief process. in time, it will get easier. i'm here if you need to talk :)
ReplyDeletei miss him too, hon. i know we'll all catch up in heaven and maybe have some coffee or something. we'll be able to see him and hang out with him whenever we want. im glad you wrote down some of your feelings. its more than i can do. i think you are taking this really well and im proud of you. im always here for you too. I love you.
ReplyDelete